Gone to Hell in a Gift Basket
by Kara Green
Summary: A simple trip to the pharmacy for Mei leaves D'Jok in an unfortunate situation. Rated for safety.


**Just a silly lil one-shot I wrote when I was hopped up on coffee & Paracetamol. Enjoy!**

* * *

D'Jok swallowed as the door closed behind him, resigning him to his fate. With his eyes trained on the linoleum floor, he shuffled his way to the designated aisle, all the while glancing around to ensure that no one was following him. With a deep breath, he looked at the list his beloved had written for him;

 _'Vera Scott Heavy Flow Tampons_

 _Vera Scott Heavy Flow Pads (Pink Night)_

 _Genesis Fuel AA Batteries_

 _Grumble Conditioner for Thick Hair (Coconut Scented)_

 _Gershey's Own Cookie Crumble Milk Chocolate_

 _Probably some flowers too, love you! X'_

He had decided to start with the items he was dreading most; the 'women nappies', as his father had jokingly referred to them as. Scanning the shelves, he made a mental note to pick up some hair spray on the way out, getting so caught up in his shopping list that he didn't hear the approach.

"Unlucky, buddy."

D'Jok yelped and turned to face the intruder, which turned out to be a very smug looking Micro-Ice clutching what appeared to be _Geet Hair Removal Cream_.

"Don't do that, you little shit," he whispered, wiping the sweat off his brow.

Micro-Ice rolled his eyes and reached onto the shelf behind his best friend, throwing a small pink box into the trolley.

"The pads are on the top shelf," he deadpanned, turning away from D'Jok to look at the products behind him, "I'd get them for you, but you're in the way."

The redhead blinked and turned to the shelf in question which, sure enough, held the pads. Cautiously, he picked them up and tossed them into the basket, mumbling about how they just so happened to be the most expensive brand in the aisle.

"How did you know where they were, anyway?"

"Sinedd uses them as insoles for his training boots," he shrugged.

"That's… That's disgusting."

"Not really, I've heard great things."

D'Jok raised an eyebrow as Micro-Ice stood up with three twelve pack boxes of condoms before moving onto the selection of lube.

"Stocking up?"

"We're going to Planet Wamba for the weekend, nothing major."

"Thirty six condoms for two days?"

Micro-Ice nodded nonchalantly, as if he weren't a 5ft tall sex pest.

"Alright then, expert. Where do they keep the batteries?"

The small striker tilted his head in consideration before admitting that he wasn't entirely sure, and called over one of the workers, much to D'Jok's embarrassment.

"Excuse me, where do you keep the batteries?"

"Right over here, Sir. Follow me."

They followed the teenage girl past the children's' aisle, hair care and makeup aisles before stopping at D'Jok's definition of commercial Hell on Zaelion. There, nestled between the batteries and toothbrushes, was a wide selection of sex toys in various colours. The striker's cheeks flared up and quickly became the same colour as his hair as he stuttered a thank you to the young retail assistant (who was currently looking between the batteries, Micro-Ice's supply of condoms, and D'Jok's basket). He was about to grab the batteries and run when he felt something cold and rubbery prod his cheek which, much to his horror, turned out to be a sparkly pink dildo.

"D'Jok, I'm talking to you! Pink or purple?"

"What the- go away!"

"Come on, you can get one for Mei."

"She's not in heat, you sex pest. She's on her period! It would look like a freaking murder scene!"

"Fine, suit yourself," the little one huffed, picking up a purple one and placing it in his newly acquired basket. D'Jok shook his head and threw his own purchase into his own.

After ticking the batteries off the list, D'Jok made his way to the hair care products they had just passed, coming to a stop in front of the _Grumble_ display. He quickly found the desired conditioner (once again, the most expensive product) and crossed it off the list. He turned to Micro-Ice to tell him the only things left were chocolate and flowers, to find that he was at the other end of the aisle assessing the razors. Dreading what the little sex pest would come up with next, he threw a can of _Grumble Gold Hair Spray_ in the basket and made his way over.

"Micro-Ice, those are the women's razors."

"Sinedd has sensitive skin," he shrugged, throwing a multipack into the basket.

D'Jok had officially had enough; between the carnage that awaited him when he got home, the fortune he was about to spend on cotton absorbents and the kinky little shit with seven varieties of lube in his basket, he was ready to lose the plot. Fortunately, Micro-Ice informed him that he had everything he needed, and that they could leave at last. Not looking back, they marched towards the self-checkout, grabbing a random bouquet and the desired chocolate bar on the way.

Of course, D'Jok should have known this was a dire mistake.

"It's in the bagging area, you son of a-"

"Please place _Vera Scott Heavy Flow Tampons_ in the bagging area."

"I did!"

The last thing D'Jok needed was to be bested by a machine, least of all one that seemed intent on telling the entire shop that he had a week of hell ahead of him. That being said, if he didn't get out of here soon, the press would be on him like vultures, and the entire galaxy would know he had a week of hell ahead of him. Reluctantly, he flagged down the girl who had helped them previously and allowed her to scan his items (whether her pursed lips were a sign of annoyance or an attempt to stifle her laughter, he didn't know). Five minutes and a combined total of seventy credits later, the two were shuffling out the door and, on Micro-Ice's insistence when they were spotted by a large gaggle of fans, into Sinedd's waiting holo-car.

"What did you do this time?" Sinedd asked, eyeing the bouquet D'Jok was clutching onto for dear life.

"Nothing," he mumbled.

Realisation seemed to dawn on him and, cackling, he drove away before the fans could catch up. With a relieved sigh, D'Jok slumped further into the seat; the nightmare was over.

"If you're having a movie night in with the missus, I recommend _Bloody Mary_ ," Sinedd said.

Well, almost.

"Yeah, we can pick up some red velvet cupcakes for the occasion," Micro-Ice added.

"Do you have eggs in to make her breakfast tomorrow? I hear scrambled are her favourite at the moment."

"Oh, fuck off."

"Bloody hell, watch your language."

Micro-Ice cackled at Sinedd's remark, rewarding him with a peck on the cheek (but not without effort, considering their size difference and the sheer size of the holo-car Sinedd had opted for).

"I liked you so much better when you were single," he grumbled.

Ten minutes of abuse and reckless driving later, and D'Jok was stumbling out of the death trap with his purchases, pretending he didn't hear the 'next time next month' before the couple were speeding off into the distance. Fumbling with his keys, he swiftly entered his apartment with a sigh of relief.

Finally, some normalcy.

"D'Jok, my mother's coming over!"

He dumped the bags and ran.


End file.
